My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Never be a pizza!
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky