Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
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Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.