Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
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*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Kidney stones? Hard pass
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr