Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
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Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News