The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
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shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of