Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
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What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.