The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
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Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Dolls on drugs
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these