Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
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PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
The best plant holders?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.