If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
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Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.