Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
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Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
you stereotypes are all alike
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.