Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
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The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
buying dead houseplants to save time
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service