It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
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[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!