Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
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HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
is frankincense just very honest incense?
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Sorry not sorry.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no