victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
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Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
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One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.