I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
You Might Also Like
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.