The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
No, I don’t think I will.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️