Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
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Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”