Canadian owl: Eh?
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They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I’m not lazy
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
📽️movie date🎞️
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated