Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
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Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.