The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
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*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no