Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable