I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
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You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs