DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
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I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff