Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
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Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Good morning, Twitter x
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up