her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
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[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.