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ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Does beer think about me too?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother