[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
You Might Also Like
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
My therapist after every session
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?