Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
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She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
This anagram machine is out of order.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.