I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
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You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there