[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
You better watch out
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham