Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
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Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
lmfao
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Quadruple digit IQ
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.