Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three