20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
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Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood