My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
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Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I’m not stressed
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
“our sushi is very fresh”
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”