I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
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[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*