The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
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*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.