With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
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You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.