Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
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I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Matt Goss
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.