Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
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This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
one of
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.