If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
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I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Sharon, call the vet
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.