[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
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Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems