Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
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i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
the red hot silly peppers
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.