I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
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Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
When you’re here for the treats.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
never forget
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no