I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
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woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for