Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
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A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
It was worth a shot 😂
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday