My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
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My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
August 8
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”