How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
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Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂