The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
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Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
😂😂
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it