11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
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JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…