4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
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I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Friday
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?